Is it Kind to let you see my pain?

I thought that I could use this site as a way to focus on something other than my grief.

It hasn’t worked.

So, I thought that it would be best for you not to see my pain. That you would rather just see the happy, good and lovely stuff.

And be distracted.

As you can see, the grief has overwhelmed the ability to focus on the “kind”.

So, we’ll try something different.

I will post daily.

Some days it will be good and cheery.

Other days, it will be me, sitting in my sadness.

Hopefully, at some point, I, and by extension, we, will come out on the other side kinder and better than if we had just kept silent.

I apologize for leaving you in the dark.

Come, behind the curtain, if you dare.

 

Today. August 22

I am snappy and cross today. In part due to the long stretch of overtime work that has pushed me to the very brink of what I thought I could endure. The other is facing more and more change. Change that never seems to coordinate with my plans. All that work to get out of debt. It didn’t work out that way. I still have more work, so there are more opportunities to get out of debt. More opportunities to get my finances more in order. More opportunities to NOT model to my three younger children that “money is the most important thing.”

I don’t seem to be doing a good job at any of that.

And yet, it would be unfair to say that I am not an asset to all who work with me. This past year has shown that at every turn professionally. And, I’m working with a (free) lawyer/small business accountant to get my books in order. So there is hope.

Every Sunday at church I weep. I am so tired of the grief. Grief at losing our church home(s). Grief at trying to fit in at yet another church. Grief at being judged for something beyond my control. Grief that my children have lost contact with most of their friends. With their sibling. With my parents.

At what point does resilience stop?

The sulks? The outbursts? Yeah, it probably wasn’t about that whatever that made that kid pop off. Or was it? Why are you crying, too? Good God! I’ve disappointed everyone. And now the damn dogs have decided the house make a fine poop and piddle hole.

Yeah, so I’m struggling with “daily kind” today.

What kind thing did I do? I apologized to the child and to the siblings of the child who listened to me rant.

I went and picked up lunch for a co-worker who was pushing against a deadline.

I kept going.